Excerpts from My Outbox

These are the e-mails that I had to refrain from sending out today.  If only I had decided to risk a Steven Slater style departure from my job, I could have actually sent the following:

Dear Patto,

Thank you very much for submitting your five year plan.  I am happy to see that your site is planning on ceasing operations commencing in 2012, despite a posted operations plan to the contrary.  Otherwise, you must plan on having free labor and materials because I can’t see any other reason for you forecasting zero spend for 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.  Nice work with the one year plan, it’s much appreciated.  Too bad you missed the crucial five in the five year plan title.

Thanks and regards,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Dick,

I deeply appreciate you creating your own template for your five year submission despite repeated detailed instructions to use the provided excel workbook.  I understand that you were unable to change the actual monthly costs in the provided template because the cells were locked.  This is because that information cannot be changed.  Actuals are actuals regardless of whether or not they paint the picture you desire.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Sammo,

Thank you very much for your submission five days past the required deadline.  I understand this was because you couldn’t review your submission with your managing director until yesterday however did you understand that you had the deadline of five days ago five weeks ago and should have scheduled your review session accordingly?

Regards,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Pinky,

No you cannot change your final submissions from one week ago.  Those were called final submissions for a reason.  I don’t care if you have discovered new things that you want to add/remove.  You have had a year to determine what you wanted to submit.

Best,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Kippy,

Yes I really do require your submission by the requested deadline.  I did not pull the date from a crystal ball or decide upon it in order to inflict as much pain as I possibly could on you.  I need your submission by the requested deadline so that your boss’s boss’s boss can review your submission when HE requested it.

Thanks,

Anonymous Expat

Dear All,

Thank you for proofreading your submissions. I am impressed to see that the same cost item for the same year can be shown on one page with three different values.  Obviously I learn something new everyday.

Cheers,

Anonymous Expat