And WA Makes Three

Today I went to get my WA driver’s license. Having a U.S. license, I did not need to take a written or road exam, but just needed to provide my U.S. license, passport, and proof of address ( a piece of mail) at the local licensing center. I figured that the process here would be much easier than getting my driver’s license in Doha where I needed:

1. My U.S. license approved by the police chief, aka the man in the most flowing white robes in the police station, who did not speak English or care to look at me.
2. A letter of permission from my husband, translated into Arabic. This was available outside the main licensing area, still within the police compound, in a shed resembling an outhouse for ~$1.50.
3. My Qatar Residency ID, H’s Qatar Residency ID and photocopies of both. This was also available outside in the “outhouse” for ~$1.50 except during tea breaks, bathroom breaks, and calls to prayer.
4. Two passport pictures, on a blue background. One was immediately thrown away and the other was stapled to my application and then thrown away filed. Where did my driver’s license picture come from? A download from the government website (of the same photograph).
5. An eye test which I found my way to past a bathroom, up some stairs, past another counter where you could take a number from (did I need to stop and do that?), and into the first room with a door open and an employee in it. Luckily I had been told that sometimes the examiner showed really small letters for the test but you could ask (joking tone required) for larger letters, telling the examiner that it had “been a long day.” Mission successful! Fortunately it worked, or I may not have passed.

So with all of this documentation and a wait of approximately three hours in a very crowded room with all men, I got my Qatari driver’s license with its beautiful background picture of the Emir on his horse. Very apt!

In Perth, after a very short wait, I was called to a counter and asked to present all of my documentation. The relevant documents where photocopied and examined and then I got a very polite, “pardon me for a moment,” and the woman helping me left the counter to find what looked like the manager of the licensing center. They went back and forth with a lot of headshaking while I waited wondering if they thought my license was a fake or invalid for some reason. The woman came back with a grim face and asked me if I am only licensed to drive an automatic vehicle because my license reads “Auto Driver License.” I explained that no, it likely meant automobile and my license is indeed valid for all passenger non-commercial vehicles. She accepted the explanation and I am now the proud owner of a WA license. Fortunately there is no local law requiring one to be able to drive a manual vehicle in order to receive a WA license, because that is something that I have yet to learn. And apparently for work I need to take a defensive driving course, in a SUV with a manual transmission. This should be interesting!

Obsession

Today another person asked me if it was true that in America you can make a right turn on red. Why are Western Australians so obsessed with this????? Why?????? In other news, after over three weeks of waiting for our modem and one missed delivery notice and field trip to the post office, we now have internet in our apartment. I am so excited!

And, for today’s safety notice, I would like to share one of the bulletins posted on the wall of the kitchen area at work. It warns that hangovers can cause injuries and contribute to an unsafe working environment. So friends, please don’t go to work hungover. Or if you do, be sure to wear the appropriate PPE.

Do You Know What Time It Is?

Today I got into my car at 2:30 PM, switched on the radio, and learned that it was almost “Beer O’Clock.” I’m looking forward to my first Friday at work, which will be next week, to learn if this is really true for all or just a select group of unemployed or 37.5 hour work week employed Western Australians. Stay tuned.

Stop Verbally Assaulting Me!

When I studied abroad in university in Scotland, H came to visit me and we took an overnight train to London. While waiting for the train to arrive in Edinburgh, we observed a very drunk bloke getting in the face of a police officer. Rather than tazering and arresting him, the police officer repeated in a very calm voice, for about twenty minutes, to, “Stop verbally assaulting me! If you continue to verbally assault me, I will have no choice but to arrest me. Please stop verbally assaulting me.” Of course the “attack” continued until the drunk guy got bored and left, not in police escort.

I was reminded of this incident while on one of the free CAT buses into the central business district of Perth yesterday when I observed a sign that said the following:

“Please do not spit on Perth’s public transportation system. Spitting is not allowed. Drivers are now equipped with DNA kits to help apprehend the offender.”

Really????

Super Cool

Dear Neighbor in Apartment 6,

Are you a special kind of blind where you can only read text but can’t see anything? As I see it, that’s the only way to justify your super cool license plate reading JAGU4R on your Jaguar. I mean, without it, I obviously couldn’t tell that you drive a Jag. Two thumbs up to the coolest person in the garage.

XOXO,

Anonymous Expat

Windshield Wiper Woes Continued

Today H and I picked up our new (to us) Jetta that we purchased from a government sale. In Australia, you can buy used vehicles from government auctions but unlike the U.S., they’re not mostly police confiscated cars from drug busts etc. Instead the cars, motorcycles, and even RVs, for sale are former police vehicles, foreclosed vehicles, and government official vehicles from people including school board officials. Our car was previously owned by the school board, so it has low mileage and no risk of illegal drugs stuffed into the seat cushions. After waiting well over a week for the auction house to recognize that our wire transfer was received, we were able to pick up our sparkling white Jetta and bring it home with us. Only problem? Apparently not all cars in Australia have the windshield wipers and blinkers on opposite sides of the steering wheel as cars in the U.S. Number of times I signaled with my windshield wipers (located on the right side of the steering wheel) instead of my blinkers? Four times out of seven. Guess I’m a quick learner.

Oh, America

Today I went to David Jones, an upscale Australian department store, in my quest to find comfortable pillows. I walked in and felt like I was back in Bloomingdales at home, in the beautiful home department with brand name china and other decorative household goods. I had to fight an impulse not to buy picture frames, bowls, candlesticks etc. for our fully furnished apartment when we have endless rooms full of boxes of wedding gifts sitting in their original wrappings at my parents’ house in the U.S. (Is this a familiar expat story or are we the only people who attempt to live out of suitcases over four years into an international mobile contract?) While looking for the bedding, or Manchester department as it is known here, I came across the Food Hall à la Harrods (ok, micro scale Harrods) or Galeries Lafayette which houses a handful of rows of gourmet food from all over the world. I walked through the English section (including tea and biscuits from Harrods), high-end sauces and chutneys, an end of an aisle dedicated to foods from Asia, and stopped short in my tracks at an aisle labeled U.S. Goods. I kid you not when I tell you that this full aisle was full of Baconnaise (a bacon mayonnaise spread), Aunt Jemima’s Pancake Batter, Mrs. Butterworth’s artificial “maple syrup,” Duncan Hines cookie mix, Hershey’s Syrup, Welsh’s Grape Jam, Smucker’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Mix, Tabasco Sauce, Campbell’s Soup, corn syrup, and canned pumpkin. Glad to see what’s considered to be gourmet from America…

Learning to Speak Western Australian

Tonight H and I went to dinner with a few of H’s colleagues and some of their assorted friends. The dinner worked out to be half Americans and half Western Australians, born and bred. I think I’m starting to notice a trend of Western Australians who stay local for life. Anyway over Sangria and Mexican food, I learned to speak Western Australian according to R:

Rule 1: Add an “O” to words that end in consonants. Tom would become TomO, beer would become beerO, right would become rightO etc.

Rule 2: Add a “S” or “Z” to words that end in vowels. I’m not quite sure if the correct letter is a “S” or “Z” but the sound is similar regardless. For example, Julia would become Julz, bananas would become bananz, etc.

Rule 3: There are always exceptions to the rules. For example, breakfast is “brekky,” umbrella is “brelly,” and train station (I was told to never say rail station, not that I would) is “trainneh.”

Rule 4: St. George’s Terrace, one of the main business streets in the Commercial Business District of Perth is simply called The Terrace.

I also learned how to dress Western Australian. This involves going out to dinner with a beer cozy aka Stubby Holder with the bottom cut out worn as a bracelet. Obviously this would get removed to go around the beers you order at the restaurant/bar/club. You never want to run the risk of having a warm beer. As the Boy Scouts of America say, Be Prepared!

In exchange for my lesson on WA, I shared some of my Arabic knowledge with our new friends:

MamSir: How imported restaurant and mall workers, mainly from the Philippines, address Western clients.

In’Shallah: Direct translation: g-d willing. Actual Meaning: It’s not going to happen. Sorry what’s that? It needs to happen? Well, g-d willing it would but the likelihood of it happening? Maybe when pigs fly over the Middle East.

Road Shoulder/Sidewalk: Extra lane to drive in.

Roundabout: Full speed ahead, no need to slow down. Red light? Ditto.

Shukran: Thank you. Rarely heard.

Sauce: Salad dressing.

Really Hot: The air conditioning is only turned to 20° C

Oh, Expat Woes

Dear Container,

Where are you? It has been 36 days since you were packed. I would deeply appreciate being able to retrieve my plush Frette robe so I can dress myself in it after stepping out from under my rain showerhead that pours forth an unlimited quantity of hot high pressure water. I would then like to wear you as I proceed to my terrace overlooking the Swan River and sip mimosa with locally made sparkling wine and locally made orange juice. This would all be by myself of course since my Australian phone has only received calls from H (who is currently at work on a holiday), my headhunter, and my real estate relocation agent. Qatar and U.S. friends, you are more than welcome to visit.

Thanks,

Anonyomous Expat

Dear H,

I can’t quite say that I believe you when you say that we will work really hard for another two years and then take some time off to spend together and contemplate what we want to do next / semi-retire. My most recent proof of this is that you took one day off during a four day holiday weekend and acted antsy/ready to get back to work. This comes after working six to seven days per week for the past four plus years. Hence my desire for the above.

Love,

Anonymous Expat

River Views

Last night after dinner, H and I loaded our 60 kilograms of checked luggage, two laptops, ~20 kilograms of additional carry-on luggage, recently arrived DHL carton of ~30 kilograms of H’s office possessions, and all the remaining food in our hotel apartment into our rental car and set off to move into our new apartment in East Perth. H was unable to see the apartment before we submitted a rental application and I was excited/nervous for him to see it for the first time. I shouldn’t have worried because he walked in, walked through the living room and out onto our river front balcony, and declared that I could be the official family realtor. And that was before he even saw the huge master bedroom, the two rain showerheads (one in each bathroom, both with excellent water pressure), and our very own washing machine and dryer, neither of which run on two hour cycles like the machines in our house in Doha did. Some days it’s hard to believe that this is the same company/job/pay/benefits that H was working for/receiving in Doha.

Perth Apartment	Qatar House
3 bedrooms	3 bedrooms
2 parking spaces	1 garage space
2 beautifully finished bathrooms, rain showerheads	3 very blue bathrooms, with a master bath prone to mysterious flooding from the floor drain
Gorgeous Swan River views	No view
Walking distance to grocery stores, restaurants, and liquor store	Walking distance to NOTHING
Free buses running from just outside the front door into the heart of the city	No public transportation
Pool overlooking the river and gym with working television	Pool overlooking nothing and gym with occasionally functioning television
Ducted air conditioning	Air conditioning wall units, one in each room, prone to breaking or shorting out the circuits
Drinkable tap water	Hand carried 6 packs of 1.5 liter water bottles from Carrefour
Clean air	Sand filled air, coating every surface of the house

Winner? Perth, hands down.