There Are Some Things In Life That I'll Never Understand

One of our neighbors who owns a car like this:

decided that they needed to take the valve caps off the tires of our decidedly less flash car for their own use.  I’m thinking that whoever took our valve caps is either a kleptomaniac or really lazy.  Given that we live down the street from a tire shop, I’m thinking it’s the former.  

If H didn’t check the tire pressure so frequently, I’d be tempted to rub some poison ivy over the next set of valve caps as a present to the neighbour who decides to borrow them.  Instead I guess that I’ll have to resort to either vacuuming or playing loud music very early in the morning, cooking unpleasantly pungent food to perfume the hallways, spreading my junk mail between the neighbors' mailboxes, or getting a guard dog to deter the resident kleptomaniac from actually entering our home (excrement outside neighbors doors and repeated barking would be a side bonus). 

Just kidding, I have neither the time nor the inclination to do any of the above.  Well, I may already distribute my unaddressed junk mail between my neighbors boxes when I don’t feel like taking it to a trash can.  While the Australia Post is terrible at delivering mail that’s actually addressed to us, they do an excellent job of filling our mailbox with Domino’s menus, real estate ads, and mail from about two dozen former residents.   Hey, I’m just trying to share the love.  Who wouldn’t want a special discount on one of Domino’s Biggest Losers’ pizzas?

Steel Toe Boots, Safety Glasses and Silicone Implants

A health and safety e-mail was circulated at work today on snake awareness.  It provided images of common snakes found in the work environs, what to do if you see a snake, what to do if you’re bitten by a snake, and various snake alert hotlines to call.*

I briefly contemplated forwarding a link to the below news article on the Israeli model who walked away relatively unharmed from a snake bite courtesy of her silicone implants:

"[Update] Snake Dies of Silicone Poisoning After Biting Model's Fake Breast 

It was another trip to the Garden of Eden cut short for one legless reptile.  Israeli model Orit Fox was attempting to lick a snake during a publicity stunt for radio DJ Shmulik Tavar when the lucky serpent, presumably aroused, lunged forward and bit Fox's fake breast, sending witnesses into a frenzy.

Fox, who is rumored to have the largest bosom in all of Israel, was hurried to a hospital outside Jerusalem where she received a tetanus shot and was later discharged. 

As for the snake, puckering up with a supermodel proved to be the kiss of death. The creature succumbed to silicone poisoning shortly after the incident.

Update: It appears that AOL Weird News was snake-bitten along with other major news organizations. Reports now indicate that the snake that bit model Orit Fox's breast did not die of silicon poisoning.

A video of the bite was posted on the gossip blog Oh No They Didn't on March 3, followed by the quip: "The snake later died from silicone poisoning."

That statement -- presumably posted in jest -- was then reported as a fact in publications around the world. But animal experts now say it's impossible that the snake died of silicon poisoning, mainly because snakes don't suck blood when they bite.

"Snakes can eat some really sick animals and not contract mammalian diseases. So I have not heard of a snake getting sick or dying after biting a human," Mark Kilby, owner of the Luray Zoo and Luray Reptile Center, told Life's Little Mysteries. 

"I can't see the boa constrictor that bit that model getting any of the contents of the material from the implant, being silicone or saline, in its mouth to cause any ill effect to the boa."

It's unclear what -- if anything -- killed the snake, though sources told Discover Magazine that the snake might have perished when it was yanked off of Fox's chest.

We apologize for the mistake and would like to assure our readers that we never intend to peddle in snake oil."
Courtesy of AOL News

Who would have known that breast implants can form a useful part of one’s PPE, along with steel toe boots, hard hats, flame retardant pants (preferably low rise and boot cut) and safety goggles?  It seems like Chavez should stop trash talking breast implants.  Safety first!

*Courtesy of the health and safety bulletin, I found a new job opportunity to go along with Waggyl Watching, Marine Mammal Observer and Native Animals Who Have Been Mortally Injured by Heavy Mortal Equipment Killer with Rocks: registered snake catcher.  

Wife + Girlfriend = Trouble, Shocking

I politely declined after work drinks with my colleagues this evening at the Holiday Inn.  There's something exceedingly depressing to me about choosing to have drinks in a hotel bar, let alone a crummy hotel bar.  Factor in expensive pints at aforementioned crummy hotel bar and it's not my top choice to kickoff my weekend.

Besides, I had a better invitation from a non-work friend to a family barbecue in one of the numerous local parks.  The forwarded invitation read:

"This is a family sausage sizzle so bring the kids / wife / girlfriend.  Remember to bring the wife or the girlfriend, not both, as this has caused problems in the past."

And by the way, this e-mail was written by someone whose e-mail footer 'job' title reads, "all around likable cuss."

Silly goose.  

Duck, Duck, Silly Goose

My week really got off to the right start this morning.  Firstly, I caught an earlier bus than usual which meant that I avoided riding two stops with the incredibly smelly man who seems to sleep in the park near our house.  Catching the earlier bus also meant that I had the unbelievably nice driver who says good morning bella and have a good day to everybody, waits when he sees you running to catch the bus, and sings spiritedly along to the radio.  Today his route was interrupted when a construction worker, wearing what else but a high visibility shirt, short shorts, high visibility knee socks, and steel toed boots, walked out into the road with a big stop sign to allow a construction truck to pass out of a work zone.  The driver’s response?

“You stupid idiot, you silly goose, get out of the road with your lollipop [stop sign].  You’ve been working here for over six months and nothing has been done.  What a waste of money, you silly goose.”

I love it.  I wonder what he would have said to the group of inebriated men sitting at the back of the bus I was on yesterday, singing the wheels on the bus go round and round?  Or Anonymous Officemate II who randomly shouted out, “OMG, the Usher concert is tonight!!!!!!!!” in the midst of a conference call this morning?

They’re all silly gooses, all of them.  Stupid idiots.