And the Winner Is

In honor of the Emmy Awards which aired live in Perth at 10 o’clock this morning, I’d like to take a minute to recognize some of the weirdest television shows that I have ever seen in my life, all of which are shown on Australian TV.  To be fair, some of these shows originate in the U.K.  Drum roll please…

Border Security- Both the Australian and UK versions are aired here and the show is exactly what the title proclaims it to be: a behind the scenes look at Customs, Immigration and Quarantine departments’ day to day happenings. It films angry people in airports getting screened and arrested for potential drug smuggling, people getting fined for bringing in fruits etc. without declaring it, people getting their tourist visas rejected because it’s feared that they will work illegally and thus they get sent home on the next plane, drugs being uncovered in stuffed animals in mail rooms, illegal immigrants getting busted in housing above ethnic restaurants, and bugs being found in shipping containers (all taken equally seriously).  The show is a serious train wreck, I can’t turn it off once it’s on.  My personal favorite incidents include: the woman caught smuggling drugs in her hair weave, the woman arriving to meet her internet boyfriend after dating him for two weeks online, and the Lebanese couple who tried to bring two suitcases full of fruit, herbs, and spices (some of which was crawling with bugs) into Australia crammed into every square inch of their suitcase, including the insides of their shoes.

Grumpy Old Women- All I can say about this show is WOW, is this for real?  To be fair to Australia, this show comes straight from BBC which summarizes the show as, “a group of middle-aged women grumbling about various aspects of modern life.”  H and I found this while channel surfing and again, train wreck, couldn’t turn it off.  While looking for a clip to attach to this post, I found that this show is a spin-off of Grumpy Old Men AND that the two shows joined forces for Grumpy Old Holidays in which they talk about the irritations connected with holiday making.  Do a YouTube search for this show, please.  You need to see this with your own eyes.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.

RBT- This entire show follows police officers as they pull people over for random breath tests.  I kid you not (although I wish I was joking).  Highlights from the show include the middle aged man who was well over the legal limit the (late) morning after a night of drinking and the guy who when asked if he has ever used illegal drugs said no and when the police officer said that illegal drugs can remain in your system for days after ingestion said well, I might have done some meth yesterday.

To round out my list with a much less trashy show:

Edwardian Supersize Me- This comes straight from the BBC (although perhaps from a few years ago) and has a British comic and food critic ‘going Edwardian’ for the week.  They eat typical Edwardian meals, dress in typical Edwardian dress, and participate in typical Edwardian activities.  At the end of the week, the food critic has gained a significant amount of weight and has done some damage to his cholesterol etc.  Who would have guessed when breakfast included an array of sardines, curried eggs, and cutlets and lunch and dinner had over six courses each (about half meat, half fish and then dessert).  This show was actually incredibly entertaining and I’m going to have to look for the Victorian, Elizabethan, and Roman episodes.

Honestly, I had to stop myself because this list could have continued (Police Dogs, anybody?).  While Australian TV may be bizarre, it sure beats the TV show spread in the Middle East: MTV Arabia (airing shows from well over five years ago on repeat multiple times a day, everyday of the week), French news, Italian news, Arabic news, and U.S. sitcoms from 5-10 years ago.  Good thing I like to multitask while watching TV, otherwise I could be at serious risk of killing brain cells.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some trashy TV to watch (and a huge stack of books to read simultaneously).

Morning Tea... I'm Still Hungry

Call me crazy, but even after two years of being pork deprived in the Middle East, I still didn't find the latest morning tea offering to be at all appealing...bacon and cheese muffins...

Perhaps it was the fact that they spent two days unrefrigerated in the kitchen at work before they made it to morning tea.  Or maybe I just can't call myself an Australian food connoisseur.

Into the Wild

Over the weekend, H and I went hiking about 30 minutes outside of Perth at John Forrest National Park.  It was absolutely stunning and incredible that although from the peak of the climb we could see the city not too far away, we were immersed in what really felt like the outback.  We can't wait to go back!

Meat Pies, Take Two

It’s not often that I get asked whether or not I have ever eaten camel.  Today during another morning tea at work, that precise question was posed to me, as a trick.  As discussed in an earlier entry, meat pies can contain camel (as well as kangaroo, goat, etc.) and one of my colleagues thought that he could shock me into learning that I had indeed eaten camel, although unknowingly, through my consumption of meat pies, the national favorite food.

But the joke was on him when I shocked him by stating that no, I have never eaten a meat pie, and yes, I did in fact know that they can contain camel (as well as snouts, ears, tendons, blood vessels, etc.).  So appetizing, especially at ten o’clock in the morning!  That definitely wasn’t the best lead in to the rest of my colleagues attempting to goad me into finally trying a meat pie.  They even offered up the vegetarian option but I refused to trust that they would actually point me towards a vegetable one since they all look the same to me and my colleagues all act like it is a grave offense to never have tasted a meat pie.

And then the vegetarian of the group arrived and immediately plucked a vegetarian pie from the plate.  Trusting her (and being overwhelmingly hungry), I caved and sampled a vegetarian pie.  It was fine, but I definitely prefer Middle Eastern and Greek versions of the same.  Particularly when half an hour later it had me running to the bathroom.  Could this possibly account for the popularity of pies here???  So just to combine two Australian favorites, how about: meat pies, they give bowels a fair go! 

What Do You Want? A Fair Go!

Something must be in the water at H's office because a huge number of his colleagues' partners (or former partners) are pregnant.  Moreover, the majority of these pregnancies are accidental, out-of-wedlock, may or may not have maintained a relationship with the to-be-born child's mother pregnancies.  We're not quite sure if the Hollywood trend of children before marriage is making its appearance in Australia or if there's a more casual attitude for parenthood here.  Or maybe it is a side effect of Australians' attitudes of just wanting a fair go. 

In surveys of what Australians value most, the right to a fair go is at the top of most citizens' lists.  This right to a fair go extends from everything including rights, social responsibilities, welfare, education, environment, work, health, housing, and social services to the ability to get what one wants during the course of day to day life.  There is a commercial on tv for a pawn shop type store where someone wants a new flat screen tv but doesn't have the cash to buy it.  He is asked what he wants and he says, "a fair go."  He is then asked when he wants it and responds, "NOW!"  Obviously it's an intrinsic right for everybody to have the latest largest flat screen tv available on the market.  There seems to be a blurred line between necessities and luxuries in Australia.   

H and I wonder if it's this desire for a fair go that is leading to all of these unplanned pregnancies.  Because when you think about it, it's clear that contraceptive devices don't give sperm a fair go.  And in Australia doesn't everybody and everything deserve one?

Pass Me the Binoculars, New Careers Await!

At a BBQ last night, I learned about a slew of Australian career opportunities:

Waugal Watching: 
A Waugal is a snakelike dreamtime creature that Aboriginals consider to be responsible for creating waterways and landforms around Western Australia.  When works are undertaken in these places, “Waugal Watchers” are employed to make sure that no Waugals are hurt or disturbed in the process.  The proper set-up for Waugal Watching includes lawn chairs and beer (or another alcohol or drug of choice) by the water.  Intoxication is required.

Marine Mammal Observer:

Marine Mammal Observers (MMOs) are charged with looking out for marine mammals near the area of offshore oil and gas exploration, particularly during seismic studies.  MMOs must identify the marine mammals they observe and pause the use of air guns while the mammal is in the area in order to minimize noise pollution.  One to three day courses are available to become a certified MMO.  It’s almost like going for a paid whale watching tour.

Native Animals Who Have Been Mortally Injured by Heavy Mobile Equipment Killer With Rocks:
Certain places in Western Australia have unique animal wildlife in areas that are used for oil, gas, iron ore, and other mineral exploration and production (ex. Barrow Island).  These animals are protected and monitored by environmental specialists but often get struck by heavy mobile equipment traversing the roadways at night.  When these animals are mortally injured, they need to be put out of their pain.  For some reason, medication is not available to do this with.  Thus someone is called in to deliver blunt blows to the animals’ heads using large rocks.  Lovely!

I may need to consider a change in careers to take advantage of all of the new job opportunities that Australia has to offer!

Excerpts from My Outbox

These are the e-mails that I had to refrain from sending out today.  If only I had decided to risk a Steven Slater style departure from my job, I could have actually sent the following:

Dear Patto,

Thank you very much for submitting your five year plan.  I am happy to see that your site is planning on ceasing operations commencing in 2012, despite a posted operations plan to the contrary.  Otherwise, you must plan on having free labor and materials because I can’t see any other reason for you forecasting zero spend for 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.  Nice work with the one year plan, it’s much appreciated.  Too bad you missed the crucial five in the five year plan title.

Thanks and regards,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Dick,

I deeply appreciate you creating your own template for your five year submission despite repeated detailed instructions to use the provided excel workbook.  I understand that you were unable to change the actual monthly costs in the provided template because the cells were locked.  This is because that information cannot be changed.  Actuals are actuals regardless of whether or not they paint the picture you desire.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Sammo,

Thank you very much for your submission five days past the required deadline.  I understand this was because you couldn’t review your submission with your managing director until yesterday however did you understand that you had the deadline of five days ago five weeks ago and should have scheduled your review session accordingly?

Regards,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Pinky,

No you cannot change your final submissions from one week ago.  Those were called final submissions for a reason.  I don’t care if you have discovered new things that you want to add/remove.  You have had a year to determine what you wanted to submit.

Best,

Anonymous Expat

Dear Kippy,

Yes I really do require your submission by the requested deadline.  I did not pull the date from a crystal ball or decide upon it in order to inflict as much pain as I possibly could on you.  I need your submission by the requested deadline so that your boss’s boss’s boss can review your submission when HE requested it.

Thanks,

Anonymous Expat

Dear All,

Thank you for proofreading your submissions. I am impressed to see that the same cost item for the same year can be shown on one page with three different values.  Obviously I learn something new everyday.

Cheers,

Anonymous Expat