C is for I'm Not Canadian

Today was the second time this week that I got asked if I am Canadian.  On Monday a colleague said, "I can't quite place your accent, but are you Canadian?"  When I said no, actually I am American, his response was pretty entertaining.  He said, "I couldn't decide if you were Canadian or American but I thought I would cause less offense if I asked you if you were Canadian and I was wrong.  Canadians passionately hate being called American."  I guess he has more Canadian acquaintances than American acquaintances because where I come from, Americans passionately hate being mistaken for our northern neighbors, eht?

Today's Canadian misidentification was a bit nicer or creepy, depending on how you choose to interpret it. While on the phone with a co-worker who I have never met or spoken to before, he interrupted me mid-sentence and in his heavy German accent said, "Pardon me but are you Canadian?  You have a very lovely accent."  When I told him thank you but I'm actually American, he said, "Oh, well you must have a hard time understanding my accent then."  Nein!  Ich verstehe sie perfekt.  Vielen dank.  Apparently Americans have lovely accents but are stupid.

Perhaps H and I should perpetuate the myth that we're Canadian by picking up a gorgeous white Toyota Hilux, complete with Canadian maple leaf bumper sticker.  But only if I get my mercenary to ride shotgun.

Sometimes the Show is Weird and Sometimes it's Just Me

Living abroad means adapting to different languages, cultures, customs, food, etc.  I try to take advantage of each place we live or travel in to immerse myself in the unique local traditions.  For instance, in Australia  I have learned that:

• the steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car
• I should drive on the wrong side of the road
• I should make left turns into near lanes and right turns into far lanes
• real Australians stay in the lane they eventually wish to turn in for the entire journey until they reach where they are actually turning, even if that lane is backed up for 20 km but the one next to it is moving freely
• beer o'clock is something to respect and be timely for
• button down shirts are incomplete without visible nipples and chest hair
• there is a reason why bars have signs that high visibility workwear is not acceptable after a certain hour because the vast majority of Western Australians wear high visibility workwear and arrive at beer o'clock in aforementioned apparel
• it's sinful to have leftover meat pies from morning tea
• it's odd to say that kangaroos are cute

Living in Qatar I learned that:

• I should leave my engine running when having my gas tank filled
• indicators are purely decorative and are in no way used or obeyed
• when entering a roundabout, one should drive as fast as one possibly can and take the opposite exit expected based on the lane one's car is in (i.e. make a u-turn from the left, outermost lane)
• saying that you don't drink is code for saying that you want your alcoholic beverage in a water glass
• giving your address based on landmarks is the norm 
• family day at the mall just means that entry is denied to non-Caucasian or Arab males unless they are in the company of their wives/mothers/sisters/daughters

In addition to learning about local culture from my day to day experiences and interactions, I also like to get a feel for the country that I'm in based on the local television programming.  You've already read about the joys of Border Patrol and RBT.   I'm also excited to announce that Kalgoorlie Cops will soon be airing, the "highly anticipated, exclusive Australian production that depicts the trials and tribulations of law enforcement in a renowned city of Kalgoorlie, the size of France, just without the people!  There's never a dull moment for Kalgoorlie's cops as they patrol the legendary mining town that is infamous for money, murder, miners, gold-theft, crooks, outlaw bikers, ladies of the night as well as Friday night altercations at the local watering hole."  

I swear I'm not spoofing you, that's the actual (non April fools) blurb from the MultiChannelNetwork.  But for an apples to apples comparison, I'd like to share my Qatari gym TV program schedule versus my Perth gym TV program schedule.  While at the gym in Qatar, I watched MTV Arabia as it repeated its three hour cycle of extraordinarily old shows, including The Ashlee Simpson Show, everyday for a minimum one week period.  It didn't really teach me about local culture except maybe that local television exposure to global pop culture was seriously outdated.  When we moved and lost our handful of free TV channels at the gym (including French news, Italian news, and MTV Arabia), I began watching some kind of Arab talk show, with women in burkas and niqabs who sounded quite serious.  As the show didn't have subtitles, I'm not quite sure what their discourse covered.  Perhaps we can just say that I learned about some varieties of local fashion?

In Perth, my after work gym show of choice is Letters and Numbers.  It's a show where two contestants compete in rounds of letters and numbers.  In the letter rounds they each try to spell the longest word possible with the nine given letters in a limited period of time and in the number rounds they each try to use the numbers given to reach the computer generated goal number, also in a limited period of time.  I admit, it's a really weird choice for the gym.  Let's just say that I'm so focused on solving each challenge that I don't notice the time flying by on the treadmill.  One day I'll probably fly right off the treadmill trying to multiply large numbers or use all of the letters to build a word.  In the meantime, I'll just ponder what the gym attendant thinks when he hears this show blasting out of the cardio room.

Celebrating One Year in Perth

As we are celebrating our one year anniversary of living in Australia, I feel like I’m detached enough from the crappy things about living in Qatar to assemble a Qatar Top Five list:

• Thai Snack and Massage:  Thai restaurant, massage parlour, Thai karaoke and late night skype calls to the Motherland rolled up into one, what could possibly be bad?  Best Thai food in the world Middle East and while I may have felt slightly sticky after eating there, it was hands down my favorite restaurant in Doha.
• Qatari gas stations: ~$12 to fill my tank and someone to do it for me, need I say more?  Leaving the car and air conditioning running while my tank was getting filled did take some getting used to but I managed.
• Exciting Surprise Glitter Game:  On occasion, after using the restroom at work, I would reach to turn on the faucet to wash my hands and notice that they were covered in glitter.  Where did this glitter come from you might ask?  Drum roll please…glitter toilet paper!  I kid you not.
• Being able to shop (food, clothes, etc.) until 11:00 PM and sit down to dinner after 9:00 PM.  Working full-time does not allow me time to get to the shops in Perth before they close at 5:00 PM.  Our refrigerator has never looked so sparse.

Wait, that was only a top four list.  Ok, instead of struggling for a fifth item to fill the list, I’ll replace number five by sharing a few things that Qatar beats Australia on:

• Living in a rental that was ours to do what we pleased in until we handed back the keys versus our rental in Perth that is inspected every three months for cleanliness.  We must have a totally OCD realtor because our spotless (even by Anonymous Mother’s standards) apartment has gotten the following write-ups:
• Living room looks cluttered.  Well, Anonymous Realtor, you rented us a furnished apartment and we left the furniture exactly where you put it.  Did the addition of two books and a laptop to the coffee table upset the feng shui of the room?  You’re welcome to send an interior designer to rearrange the microsuede and pleather furniture.
• Too many bottles of water on kitchen counters.  Two bottles of water for two people, apologies.
• Picture hanging in office does not hang parallel to floor.  Wow, let me get out my balance.  Oh wait, I don’t have one, we moved here in suitcases.
• Nando’s: Nando’s Australia just isn’t the same as Nando’s in the Middle East.  I can’t help but continue to look for the lentil soup, hummus and chicken strips and spicy rice that are not on the menu here.
• Shawarma with tahini, and better yet garlic tahini.  Australian kebab shops have mayonnaise which firstly is not a comparable substitute for tahini and secondly is as low on my ‘foods I can’t stand list’ as tuna fish.
• Restaurants where one can eat for less than $25 per person.
• People in stores/restaurants who actually acknowledge that it is their job to help you and attempt to do so.
• Stores with nice brands of clothing and accessories.
• Tax free living versus the only thing left to tax me for is the air I’m breathing living.
• Heliports in the city (Doha) versus 2-12 hours away (Perth).

Next year I’ll work on a Perth Top Five list; it’s guaranteed to include convicts and kangaroos.  Can’t wait, can you?