How to Tell When Someone Should No Longer Be a Facebook Friend

Before you get all excited, this post is not about someone who said something stupid and made me so angry that I felt the need to 'unfriend' them.  For the record, that's never happened to me and it's rather ridiculous to think that people actually do that.  (Just think how much gossip you would lose access to...)  Instead, this about a second Facebook fail that requires a trip back in time a few days:

Saturday morning: Anonymous Friend is tagged in pictures wearing a suit with a magenta tie.  Hmm, I thought, looks like it's a wedding.

Sunday morning:  Aforementioned Anonymous Friend is tagged in more pictures from the same event, this time by his mother.  Hmm, his twin brother is wearing the same suit and tie...they must be in the wedding party.

Monday morning:  More pictures from aforementioned event are posted...wow it looks like Anonymous Friend's twin got married.

Tuesday morning:  Finally, the bride makes the appearance in photos on my newsfeed, click through, oh there's the groom....holy sh*t, ANONYMOUS FRIEND WAS THE GROOM!

Moral of the story:  If I didn't even know that Anonymous Friend was finally in a serious relationship (the last woman he was with when we still had a face to face friendship was a one night stand with someone twice his age), didn't know he was engaged, and it took me the better part of the week to realize that it was photos from his wedding getting posted, perhaps we don't need to be Facebook friends any longer...obviously we've fallen entirely out of touch.

Given that I think it's a bit mean to unfriend someone, I think I might just recategorize our friendship to the 'people watching' category, same same as sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching strangers go by.

Flashback Tuesday

Courtesy of a few friends posting this on Facebook, H and I had a major flashback to life in Doha last week after reading the article, Fifteen Signs You Have Lived in Qatar Too Long by Phillippa Stewart.  We strongly agree with all of Phillippa's bullet points about life in Doha except for number 10.

In case you don't feel like clicking through to the full article, here's a synopsis of a few of our favorite signs of having lived in Doha too long:

1. "When you navigate the city using 5 star hotels as your landmarks."  Sometimes I used the Ramada instead of Sharq or the Four Seasons but still, close enough.
2. "When you no longer find the names of roundabouts amusing."  H and I definitely gave our address in relation to NBK Mercedes roundabout with a straight face (including the fact that from one direction you had to turn right just before it and drive straight through the construction site until you had almost reached the end of it and then turn right again).  The construction site was intact (and unchanged) for our full two plus years living there.
3. "When this is a totally normal thing to see:" In fairness, sometimes it would be a sheep, particularly around Ramadan.   
4. "When it reaches 20 degrees, you reach for a jumper."  H and I always thought it was ridiculous when the locals broke out their leather coats, scarves and hats in 'winter' just because it was winter.  We still went to the pool in the oh so chilly temperatures of December.  However, once we went to the Caribbean as a vacation from Doha and my first day on the beach there, it was 86 degrees Fahrenheit and I wouldn't take off my sweatshirt and jeans.  Luckily I adapted for day two.
5. "When speed limits and red lights are just gentle suggestions...and when it is no longer shocking for someone to make a left turn from the far right lane while navigating one of the 50 roundabouts you have found yourself on in the space of your five mile journey."  No comment, this is SO true.
6. "When you are excessively nice to shop workers/waiters etc because you feel extreme guilt about how they are treated the rest of the time."  Also very true although I do miss the Ma'am/Sir'ing.
7. "When your reply to being asked for anything is bukra Insha’allah. While the literal translation is “tomorrow, G-d willing” you are fully aware that anyone saying it means “maybe sometime next month, or never..."  I have to admit, I still say it.  It sucks when this is said to you then when asking for something that you absolutely need from someone else at the office.
8. "When you head back to the West, the outfits seem shocking. Not to sound like a prude, but there were shoulders and knees everywhere. Scandalous. Additionally, how do you all not freeze to death?"  My first day in Perth, I put on shorts and a tank top and literally felt like I was walking around naked outside.  It was too weird. 
9. "When rain is a cause for a) excitement and b) everyone forgetting how to drive."  Not to mention, all restaurants stop delivering until the rain stops.  Cue sad face.

For the other six items, head over to the article, Fifteen Signs You Have Lived in Qatar Too Long.  And if you're waking up somewhere other than Doha this morning, be grateful!

Alternative Uses for Disposable Gloves

Sometimes I get sad that H and I don't live somewhere a little less developed / more exciting than the UK.  Then Anonymous Dad sends me links like these:

http://www.nytimes.com/video/2013/04/16/dining/100000002099867/a-spicy-specialty.html#100000002099867

and I become overjoyed to call this very developed country (ignoring the NHS) my (temporary) home.

I'll take the horse meat scandal over 'this bald head' any day.

Somehow I doubt that I would find spicy rabbit heads "truly yummy."  I'd rather use those same plastic gloves to pump my gas.

Oddbins, Odd Name and Odd Commentary

On Friday I was searching for a couple of bottles of wine to bring to a friend's party.  Given that I was feeling a little bit lazy (and it looked like it was going to pour), I decided to browse nearby wine stores' websites to get an idea of their inventory / what I wanted before going out.  This turned into the best idea ever.  I learned that on Oddbins' website, can you browse by food and wine pairings including but not limited to:

• Offal (Perhaps if I drank enough wine first I would consider serving this?  Who am I kidding, I would never serve offal.) 
• Lentils (Are there really people out there concerned with what wine pairs well with lentils?) 
• Venison and game (Glad we're not limiting the category to venison.)
• Pork and bacon (Happy to see that bacon is important enough to get its own classification, albeit within the pork category.)
• Eggs (Why yes, I always worry what wine I should serve with eggs.  Oh wait, strike that, it would be champagne for mimosas.)

If you can't decide / don't know precisely the food that's being served, no worries, Oddbins also offers the choice of browsing/buying wines by occasion.  I definitely understand the dinner party wines, celebration wines, and party wines categories.  But then they branch out to weekending wines, discovery wines and contemplation wines.  Really???

Dear Oddbins,

Please advise what wine to drink while sitting reflectively by a stream, watching the clouds float by when it's precisely nine degrees Celcius outside and the sun is partially shining but I keep getting distracted from my 'contemplation' by checking Facebook on my iPhone.  In case it matters, it's an iPhone 4, not 5.  And let's just say it's for a Tuesday early afternoon.

Thanks,
Anonymous Expat

The fun doesn't stop there though as once you actually click through to a specific wine, in addition to the J. Peterman type review, you get a four bullet synopsis under the following four categories:


 
 


Each wine has its own unique categorization and they're all hilarious.  Favorites include:

You need your funny bone tickled

House of Fun by Madness

Wa-hey, that's the spirit!

Between laughter

and

You like who you are

"Independent Women" by Destiny's Child

Nobody's going to change me

Local produce

and

After a near miss

Stayin Alive

About insurance

Spicy Thai

and

You're having a strange dream

"Everybody's Happy Nowadays" by Buzzcocks

Is this real?

Ripe brie, before bed.

I could copy and paste indefinitely or you can go check it out yourselves.  It's time for me to crack open one of the bottles that corresponds with one of the above 'reviews.' 

Stop, Drop, Bake

This has nothing to do with living overseas, unless you count that the recipe comes from a London-based blogger (although it can also be found all over Pinterest), but you absolutely have to try baking and eating some Slutty Brownies.

I'd post a photo of them in all of their decadence if I hadn't found an empty space on the counter when I wandered in with my camera this morning, only to discover that H had taken the entire batch (less the ones we consumed last night before dinner) to work with him.

But trust me, you have to try them.  They are so easy to make, I used a boxed chocolate chip cookie mix and a boxed brownie mix and they were unreal.  Definitely follow the Londoner's tip of adding a little extra water to the cookie mix to keep them moist.  And the 30 minute baking time was spot on.  The only thing I'll change next time, is substituting double stuffed oreos for the original ones.  That extra thick creamy layer will be oh so tasty.

Excuse me while I wipe the drool off of my chin.  And phone H begging him to bring me back at least once slab of my new favorite food. 

Getting to Know the Neighbors

I think our neighbor might be a drug dealer.  Either that or he has a major case of ADD.  Multiple times a day, he speed walks to his Bentley (often times carrying a small leather gym bag), whizzes away, and is back five minutes later.  Cycle that sequence on repeat and you have a typical day for Anonymous Neighbor.

I can't even begin to guess what his destination might be other than the fact that a couple of times, I've spotted his car parked at the building immediately next door that is really rundown and almost looks like it could be a crack den if it wasn't on such a fancy street.  Although, after watching Breaking Bad, it could be compared to Jesse's house: really nice house/neighborhood, really shady tenant, substituting the part about the really nice house.

If he's not a drug dealer, than maybe Anonymous Neighbor is selling special vitamins with huge quantities of Vitamin A or self-tanning pills to help his 'friends' obtain the perfect shade of orange that he and his father sport year round.  

Or maybe he's running to move his Bentley under cover at any chance of rain. 

One day I'll have to ask, until then I'll enjoy speculating.

Positive Reinforcement

As the weekend is rapidly approaching, and my new ingredients for champagne cocktails are burning a hole through the refrigerator door, I wanted to leave you with a small tidbit for weekend rumination as to why the UK is awesome, or conversely, insane.

When we first moved here, I thought my eyes were mistaken or it was some elaborate scam, but no.  If you pay your hydroelectric bill on time (not even early, but on time), you get a prompt payment discount off your next bill.

I kid you not.  And it's available on every bill.  Which means that my first bottle of champagne for aforementioned champagne cocktails is 'free' courtesy of my prompt payment discounts.

Cheers! 

What Making New Friends Looks Like (As an Expat)

Post-it note I left in the kitchen for H this afternoon:

Dear H,

Remember how I came home last week with a Tiffany blue calling card from a new acquaintance?  Well, I've been invited over to her house for wine this afternoon.  If I go missing (aka if I'm not home when you get back from work), please phone the police.

Xoxo,
Anonymous Expat


Addendum: Turns out this note was unnecessary / unhelpful.  1. H never came home from work last night.  2.  I had such a nice time at this non-crazy woman's house that I was parked there for hours without even realizing it and was not cut up into a million little pieces and eaten for dinner.  3.  I was having so much fun that I missed two calls from H...good thing he never saw my note and hence had no inclination to phone the police.

Addendum Two:  The next time I walk to someone's house with a bottle of wine midday, I should probably put it in a bag.  What wouldn't have gotten a second glance in Perth, definitely got some stares here.  Or maybe people were just staring at me since I decided to dress like it is spring since it's now April, despite the fact that it's currently 32 degrees.

When 6 AM Becomes 5 AM

When I lived in Perth, I was astounded by the hostility related to daylight savings time.  I couldn't believe that people would object, let alone so vehemently, to an extra hour of sunshine in the evening, après work.  This morning, as I'm force feeding myself coffee, fighting bouts of exhaustion nausea, and trying to keep my eyes open, I finally get it.  Perth locals may not have been protesting the extra hour of daylight, they may have been rejecting losing the hour of sleep when the clocks changed over.  

Today's mantra will be short term pain for long term gain.  Or maybe I'll just pretend that I hopped on an airplane to someplace hot and lost an hour due to a geography related time change.  That's always easier to stomach.  Especially when March in the UK was colder than December, January and February for the first time since 1975.