Camping?

H really wants to take me camping, he thinks it would be fun.  Periodically when we revisit the topic, I remind him that we’ve already been camping.  What else do you call using an open air toilet?  H’s response is that when the open air toilet has plumbing (it did) and was in our private open air bathroom (yes, that may have been the case), it’s not called camping, it’s called staying at a luxury hotel.  Perhaps, but I do really like that form of camping.

Anyway I think it’s now a moot point because after waiting 48 hours for the leasing agent to send cleaners to our dirty rental (still hasn’t happened), I caved and took a really quick shower standing on my toes*.  Unfortunately I was unable to remove our single towel from the dryer (apparently it can’t be stopped mid-cycle), which meant that I dried myself using a paper towel.   I no longer have the paper towel plastic wrap or I would give a brand shout out for its absorbency but I do suggest that dirty shower + paper towel = camping.  Thoughts?

*No, flip flops are not considered essential luggage for an allocated 20 kilograms a person when moving to a cold, rainy location.  Biggest mistake ever.

My New Favorite Excuse of All Time

My relocation agent just suggested that perhaps our rental hone was not professionally cleaned prior to the commencement of the lease, as per the rental agreement, because “sometimes people like to clean their new homes themselves.”  Pardon?  Do I look dumb/stupid/gullible/like Anonymous Colleague?  Yes please, can I please pay for the pleasure of cleaning up someone else’s multi-year lived in, recently vacated , dirty home myself?  Maybe if I’m really lucky, I can also cook, clean and iron for the prior tenant too, in their new home?

And while we’re at it, was Amelia Bedelia hired to do the inventory?  Somehow I think that when items like ‘used tissue, closet shelf’ make the list, one would recognize that the house has not been cleaned, as per the lease conditions.  Please, will someone remind me to replace the ‘used tissue, closet shelf,’ ‘three candles, half burned,’ ‘broken vase, kitchen sink,’ and ‘dirty toilet brush, guest bath’ before I move out so that the rental agency doesn’t charge me for missing items?  Thanks!

Expat Dictionary 101

One woman recently told me that she loved Anonymous Third World Country because for the first time, she “truly felt like an expat.”

Definition: she had a driver, cook, maid and nanny.

I’ve never had such an experience.   For me, feeling like an expat has been more a feeling of displacement, not belonging, and difficulty.  Don’t get me wrong, I love living overseas and there are thousands of wonderful things about this kind of life, but it is often difficult and unglamorous.

With the excitement of a transfer and getting to live in and explore a new country and its environs comes a lot of stress, hard work and waiting.  Every new visa means more than getting to be a tourist in a new country.  It means among a hundred other things:

• Quitting a job
• Selling a car
• Disposing of food / alcohol / cleaning products
• Saying goodbye to friends
• Closing a bank account
• Cancelling a lease, internet, utilities, insurance
• Filing a second set of local country taxes
• Packing a container to ship and two suitcases of belongings that you can’t live without for 1-3 months
• Updating an itemized inventory for container insurance
• Finding a new place to live
• Finding a new job
• Finding new friends
• Buying a car
• Getting a new driver’s license
• Setting up a new bank account
• Getting insurance
• Setting up internet and utilities
• Waiting 1-3 months for your belongings to come
• Finding your way around and locating grocery stores, dry cleaners, doctors, restaurants, hair salons etc.
• Living out of suitcases

My particular favorite circular reference is that you can’t set up a local bank account without an address and you don’t get an address until you can pay your deposit and first month’s rent.  Wiring money from another country takes 2-10 business days and when you have 30 days to get yourself into ‘permanent accommodation,’ it means you have a maximum of 18 days to find where you want to live, in case the wire transfer actually takes 10 business days.

H and I just moved into our new ‘permanent’ home after hours at the leasing office trying to locate our wire transfer.  And we were the lucky ones; the other family at the office had the same problem and went ‘home’ to their hotel room for another night, without the keys to their new rental ‘home.’  Unfortunately, H and I showed up at our new home to find that it hadn’t been cleaned, as specified in the lease, nor were there any linens for the bed or towels in the bathroom, also as specified in the lease. 

So H and I had an amazing night sleeping on the couch in the unclean apartment because a used rental couch without sheets seemed a lot more sanitary than a used rental mattress without sheets.   This was after a late night trip to the (thankfully) 24 hour Tesco to get beer and disinfectant to make one bathroom usable enough for the evening.  We either didn’t get enough disinfectant or beer though because we started to clean one toilet and stopped when we found dried vomit/excrement on the outside of the toilet bowl; needless to say I’m posting this from the closest coffee shop with internet and a bathroom.  Sadly I haven’t chosen a new gym yet or I could also be writing this freshly showered.  I know, I know, this blog should really be renamed, The Glamorous Life of Anonymous Expat.