My New Favorite Excuse of All Time

My relocation agent just suggested that perhaps our rental hone was not professionally cleaned prior to the commencement of the lease, as per the rental agreement, because “sometimes people like to clean their new homes themselves.”  Pardon?  Do I look dumb/stupid/gullible/like Anonymous Colleague?  Yes please, can I please pay for the pleasure of cleaning up someone else’s multi-year lived in, recently vacated , dirty home myself?  Maybe if I’m really lucky, I can also cook, clean and iron for the prior tenant too, in their new home?

And while we’re at it, was Amelia Bedelia hired to do the inventory?  Somehow I think that when items like ‘used tissue, closet shelf’ make the list, one would recognize that the house has not been cleaned, as per the lease conditions.  Please, will someone remind me to replace the ‘used tissue, closet shelf,’ ‘three candles, half burned,’ ‘broken vase, kitchen sink,’ and ‘dirty toilet brush, guest bath’ before I move out so that the rental agency doesn’t charge me for missing items?  Thanks!

Looks Can be Deceiving

My boss is a wonderful person; she works hard but understands and promotes a work/life balance.  She likes to have fun but not too much fun.  When we got out for drinks after work, she closes down the tab after one (or two very quick) drinks.  She dyes her hair blonde but it's a shade that's more gray than sun kissed.  She's young and thin but wears conservative slacks and orthopedic shoes.  I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that she's nice but conservative.  Which is why the turn the conversation took at drinks on Friday was all the more surprising.

One of my anonymous colleagues is getting married next month in his home country, India.  Halfway through her drink, my boss asked, "Are you having an arranged marriage?"  Anonymous Colleague responded, "Yes, it is, but I really like my fiancee and we spend hours talking to each other on the phone every week."  My boss then asked if his phone calls need to be chaperoned to which Anonymous Colleague gave her a kind of weird look and responded that, "no, they do not."  And then my very conservative looking boss blurted out,

"So phone sex is ok then?"

My jaw dropped, Anonymous Colleague's jaw dropped and everybody else in the group just stopped and looked at her.  Someone gave a nervous chuckle and turned the conversation to the next test match being played at the local cricket stadium, WACA.

The surprises didn't stop there though.  I went to refresh my drink at the bar and one of my other colleagues came over.  "That was awkward," I said to her.  To which she responded, "Yes, but I'm not as surprised as I once might have been.  Before I went to Budapest, Anonymous Boss lent me a book that she said I had to read before I went because it takes place there.  I started reading it and it was like soft core pornography."  I really hope she doesn't get me in our office Secret Santa; the gift might be x-rated.

Why Be a Waugal Watcher When You Can Train Greyhounds?

One of H’s colleagues resigned today so that he could kick-off November in a new career. Six months ago he used some savings he had acquired working overseas to buy a share in a greyhound. The dog lost its first race spectacularly and its trainer, who was working for free in exchange for a percentage of the dog’s winnings, threatened to quit. Over the weekend, the dog won its race, the second one it has competed in. He decided that in lieu of paying the trainer, he would quit his six figure job and train the dog himself. His goal is to purchase shares in additional greyhounds or be hired by others to train their greyhounds and live off his earnings from that and his winnings from betting on his dog. Apparently in Australia, people train greyhounds by setting them loose in a paddock with a kangaroo or two and letting the animals chase each other. The preferred practice used to be setting the dog after rabbits, but this practice of "live kills" is technically illegal. The legal protection may be unnecessary, as racing dogs have been bred to the point that they are unable to catch any game in the wild. On the track they only need to run in a (relatively) straight line. The ability to stop, turn or do anything else is neglected in the breeding practice. All it takes is one quick change of direction by the intended prey, and the pursuing dog falls tail over head with it's paws in the air. Of course to oversee this training, it’s essential to always have a cold beer in hand. Good luck Anonymous Colleague; you are certainly going to need it.

The King of Diseases and the Disease of Kings

I thought that gout went the way of Hippocrates, eunuchs and Henry VIII but apparently not.  Anonymous Colleague came limping into work today.  Figuring it was the whole eight hours he spent wearing his plastic dress shoes at work yesterday before changing into sneakers to walk to his car, I didn't think much of it.  Sadly, he thinks I enjoy engaging in conversation with him and decided to tell me as I was making myself a cup of coffee that he woke up with a bad case of gout.  Gout!  Apparently he gets gout about six times a year.  Thankfully this occurrence didn't happen over the weekend or he would have been in pain during his regular date night at The Sizzler's buffet with his girlfriend. 

Ignoring the surprising fact that someone who loves The Sizzler and plastic dress shoes actually has a girlfriend, is Anonymous Colleague too stupid to connect the dots?  He does regularly give me a blank Dilbert stare when attempting to talk about financials and other company business, but doesn't he know that dietary causes (including over consumption of alcohol, meat and seafood) account for about 12% of gout?  For someone who claims to suffer from it about every other month, one would think that he would stop his weekly forays to The Sizzler.