Dear Spell Check, I Am Not a Terrorist

Dear spell check,

I may have a mercenary and a white Toyota HiLux on my wish list (and an unhealthy love of The Unit), but that doesn’t mean that I appreciate your auto corrections that pepper my e-mails with the following in place of my name and those of my friends:

• Taliban
• Warlord
• Bullet
• Amen

I’m an American expat in Australia for goodness sake.  Who do you think I’m writing to/about?  I fill my days with Excel spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations.  Just because my extracurricular conversations include helicopters, facilitation payments, various nonsexual ways to employ a hooker, assorted ways one’s wife will find out that one’s rotation isn’t actually six weeks on, two weeks off but 6 weeks on, four weeks off, and how much money one can fit in a money belt for third world travel, it doesn’t mean that I’m totally nuts.  I’m not a jihadist, I just spend too much time in and around the oilfield. 

C is for I'm Not Canadian

Today was the second time this week that I got asked if I am Canadian.  On Monday a colleague said, "I can't quite place your accent, but are you Canadian?"  When I said no, actually I am American, his response was pretty entertaining.  He said, "I couldn't decide if you were Canadian or American but I thought I would cause less offense if I asked you if you were Canadian and I was wrong.  Canadians passionately hate being called American."  I guess he has more Canadian acquaintances than American acquaintances because where I come from, Americans passionately hate being mistaken for our northern neighbors, eht?

Today's Canadian misidentification was a bit nicer or creepy, depending on how you choose to interpret it. While on the phone with a co-worker who I have never met or spoken to before, he interrupted me mid-sentence and in his heavy German accent said, "Pardon me but are you Canadian?  You have a very lovely accent."  When I told him thank you but I'm actually American, he said, "Oh, well you must have a hard time understanding my accent then."  Nein!  Ich verstehe sie perfekt.  Vielen dank.  Apparently Americans have lovely accents but are stupid.

Perhaps H and I should perpetuate the myth that we're Canadian by picking up a gorgeous white Toyota Hilux, complete with Canadian maple leaf bumper sticker.  But only if I get my mercenary to ride shotgun.