Oddbins, Odd Name and Odd Commentary

On Friday I was searching for a couple of bottles of wine to bring to a friend's party.  Given that I was feeling a little bit lazy (and it looked like it was going to pour), I decided to browse nearby wine stores' websites to get an idea of their inventory / what I wanted before going out.  This turned into the best idea ever.  I learned that on Oddbins' website, can you browse by food and wine pairings including but not limited to:

• Offal (Perhaps if I drank enough wine first I would consider serving this?  Who am I kidding, I would never serve offal.) 
• Lentils (Are there really people out there concerned with what wine pairs well with lentils?) 
• Venison and game (Glad we're not limiting the category to venison.)
• Pork and bacon (Happy to see that bacon is important enough to get its own classification, albeit within the pork category.)
• Eggs (Why yes, I always worry what wine I should serve with eggs.  Oh wait, strike that, it would be champagne for mimosas.)

If you can't decide / don't know precisely the food that's being served, no worries, Oddbins also offers the choice of browsing/buying wines by occasion.  I definitely understand the dinner party wines, celebration wines, and party wines categories.  But then they branch out to weekending wines, discovery wines and contemplation wines.  Really???

Dear Oddbins,

Please advise what wine to drink while sitting reflectively by a stream, watching the clouds float by when it's precisely nine degrees Celcius outside and the sun is partially shining but I keep getting distracted from my 'contemplation' by checking Facebook on my iPhone.  In case it matters, it's an iPhone 4, not 5.  And let's just say it's for a Tuesday early afternoon.

Thanks,
Anonymous Expat

The fun doesn't stop there though as once you actually click through to a specific wine, in addition to the J. Peterman type review, you get a four bullet synopsis under the following four categories:


 
 


Each wine has its own unique categorization and they're all hilarious.  Favorites include:

You need your funny bone tickled

House of Fun by Madness

Wa-hey, that's the spirit!

Between laughter

and

You like who you are

"Independent Women" by Destiny's Child

Nobody's going to change me

Local produce

and

After a near miss

Stayin Alive

About insurance

Spicy Thai

and

You're having a strange dream

"Everybody's Happy Nowadays" by Buzzcocks

Is this real?

Ripe brie, before bed.

I could copy and paste indefinitely or you can go check it out yourselves.  It's time for me to crack open one of the bottles that corresponds with one of the above 'reviews.' 

Chapter 1: Basic Necessities [An Infidel's Guide to Living in the Middle East]

The saying that you always want what you can't have holds true in the Middle East.  When alcohol and pork become haraam, attachment to both of the aforementioned items increases exponentially.  Unlike places in the UAE, pork is forbidden in Qatar.  Being an expat in desperate need of pork means you need to do three things:

1. Make friends at military bases; pork is sold there and if you're nice enough, you may get someone to share their monthly ration with you.  My ability to do this resulted in H's favorite birthday present ever.
2.  Go to embassy parties as often as possible; make friends with other nationalities so you can go to their embassy parties too.  Pay attention when the 'secret' room in the back of the parties is opened, where platters of various pork delicacies can be found.  My mouth is watering just thinking about this; kind of strange given that pork is easily accessible to me now in the United Kingdom.
3. Pork sausages and vacuum packed prosciutto travel well.  Fold some into your clothes when returning to Qatar.  Just be sure to take the labels off.  If there's nothing saying it's pork, you can always say it's beef if customs opens your luggage.  

Rumors abound that at certain restaurants, pork is available to those who order the right menu item or use a certain phrase.  I was never successful with this, but keep your eyes and ears open in case this myth is actually real.

Alcohol is available from the single distribution center and hotel bars and restaurants except during Ramadan.  In the month prior to Ramadan, alcohol allowances at the distribution center double so everybody can stock up prior to the holiday.  Always, always get your Ramadan stock at least two months before Ramadan.  The month before Ramadan the alcohol distribution center is a total zoo, with lines stretching down the road to even get into the parking lot.  In addition to queues, items sell out.  There is also the annual rumor that the distribution center won't reopen following Ramadan, creating marginally controlled mayhem.  So be prepared, stock up early, and stock up well.

By following these tips, you can help make your life in the desert just a bit more enjoyable. 

An Infidel’s Guide to Living in the Middle East

Our friends came over for drinks last night; fortunately we tippled so much that I don’t think they minded the overwhelming scents I was exuding from spending the afternoon slathering myself with all of the samples at Lush.  H came home and Anonymous Friend started telling him how I walked home doing jazz hands courtesy of my gold glitter coated hands that came from picking up a glitter encrusted bath bomb to smell. 

“Actually,” she said,  “you have a little bit of the stripper dust left on your face.”

I went to wipe it off and remembered the nice face cream(s) I had sampled at Lush.  So I promptly stuck my face in front of H’s and made him feel how soft my skin was.  Which promoted a Middle East flashback, this time not triggered by the pervasive smell of pork.

 “If you guys ever get transferred to the Middle East, you must promise to do one thing.”

“What?” Anonymous Friends asked.

“Well, you know how Chanel and La Mer and all of the other expensive face products are always behind lock and key at cosmetic counters and you can never sample them?  In Doha, Sephora has all of that stuff out and every time I went to the mall (which was at least once per day since that’s all there was to do in Doha), I used to slather very generous quantities of them all over my face.”

H piped in, “One day I finally asked AE why she didn’t just buy the creams and then I saw that they were a couple hundred dollars each.  So sampling them in store was a much better option and one of the limited perks of living in Qatar.

Anonyomous Friend, “Haha, that’s amazing.  You guys should write an insider’s guide of tips for living in the Middle East.”

H, “Wow, that would be fun….we could call it “An Infidel’s Guide to Living in the Middle East.”

Me, “Done.  High end face cream samples at Sephora will get it’s very own chapter.  Now if only we can think of enough other perks to write a book; perhaps we should aim for a pamphlet instead.”

Morning Tea... I'm Still Hungry

Call me crazy, but even after two years of being pork deprived in the Middle East, I still didn't find the latest morning tea offering to be at all appealing...bacon and cheese muffins...

Perhaps it was the fact that they spent two days unrefrigerated in the kitchen at work before they made it to morning tea.  Or maybe I just can't call myself an Australian food connoisseur.