Chapter 1: Basic Necessities [An Infidel's Guide to Living in the Middle East]

The saying that you always want what you can't have holds true in the Middle East.  When alcohol and pork become haraam, attachment to both of the aforementioned items increases exponentially.  Unlike places in the UAE, pork is forbidden in Qatar.  Being an expat in desperate need of pork means you need to do three things:

1. Make friends at military bases; pork is sold there and if you're nice enough, you may get someone to share their monthly ration with you.  My ability to do this resulted in H's favorite birthday present ever.
2.  Go to embassy parties as often as possible; make friends with other nationalities so you can go to their embassy parties too.  Pay attention when the 'secret' room in the back of the parties is opened, where platters of various pork delicacies can be found.  My mouth is watering just thinking about this; kind of strange given that pork is easily accessible to me now in the United Kingdom.
3. Pork sausages and vacuum packed prosciutto travel well.  Fold some into your clothes when returning to Qatar.  Just be sure to take the labels off.  If there's nothing saying it's pork, you can always say it's beef if customs opens your luggage.  

Rumors abound that at certain restaurants, pork is available to those who order the right menu item or use a certain phrase.  I was never successful with this, but keep your eyes and ears open in case this myth is actually real.

Alcohol is available from the single distribution center and hotel bars and restaurants except during Ramadan.  In the month prior to Ramadan, alcohol allowances at the distribution center double so everybody can stock up prior to the holiday.  Always, always get your Ramadan stock at least two months before Ramadan.  The month before Ramadan the alcohol distribution center is a total zoo, with lines stretching down the road to even get into the parking lot.  In addition to queues, items sell out.  There is also the annual rumor that the distribution center won't reopen following Ramadan, creating marginally controlled mayhem.  So be prepared, stock up early, and stock up well.

By following these tips, you can help make your life in the desert just a bit more enjoyable. 

Late Night Tesco

H and I had a really fun midnight trip to Tesco the other night for beer, sponges and disinfectant.  We really enjoyed people watching to see who else shops at that hour on a Monday night.  Thankfully we had a hot pizza to eat the car before going into the store; otherwise we might have missed the dozen or so loitering ‘almost 18s’ who were waiting for the 18 year old friends to exit the store with booze / already drinking with their 18 year old friends in the parking lot.  Awesome way to make me feel young again.

We also enjoyed the older man checking out behind us with a shopping cart overflowing with potato chips and ramen.  Seriously?  I think we can all guess what he had been doing earlier that evening.  Then there were the people picking up soda and chocolate, probably on the way to their own night shifts, not so entertaining.  Lastly, we had the twenty something year old couple who appeared to actually be doing their weekly shopping trip.  That was fairly depressing; I almost went over to them to remind them that Tesco does deliver.  H may or may not have accidentally thwacked one of them with our shopping basket though so I felt it was better to keep my distance.

All I can say is that Tesco > Carrefour for late night grocery shopping.  Carrefour was always out of milk late at night but Tesco was fully stocked.  The real trump card though is that unlike Qatar’s Carrefour, Tesco sells all kinds of alcohol.  Now if only the beer was refrigerated, late night grocery shopping would have the potential to be the perfect date night.

Great Success!!!

For the second time today, I shrieked inadvertently.  Unlike in Perth, the screaming was not a result of the squatting roaches in my apartment.  The first shout was in the wee hours of the morning when my very hot shower turned very cold, in the already ice cold bathroom, in the already frosty new location.  Sorry H, I know your shower was even colder, but I disagree that it was a 'good way to acclimatize to our new home.'

Perhaps the universe knew that after starting my day off like that, I was in need of some extra warmth.  I was starting to believe it didn't exist, but I finally found the very elusive Pimm's Winter No. 3, accidentally in the last of about a dozen stores I went into today.  Cue second round of shrieking:

I might have confused the checkout boy when I refused a bag and stuffed the bottle excitedly into my purse.  Or maybe he was confused that I was shopping laden down with about 30 pounds of groceries.  Little did he know that I had a half hour walk ahead of me...or that it was totally worth it for the bags full of baby carrots, biscuits that are more chocolate than biscuit, buttries, Fanta Zero, black beans, Savanna Dry, Cookie Crisp, Muller yogurt, chocolate covered Hobnobs, onion rolls with holes and Ben and Jerry's frozen yogurt.  Who needs Whole Foods when there is Marks & Spencer and Tesco? 

Now if only H would stop working long enough to share some Pimm's No. 3 with me.  Perhaps I should try a little first just to make sure he'll like it.  Continuous iPhone photos of the ever decreasing bottle might encourage H to leave the office a little earlier so he can have some warm Pimm's + apple juice deliciousness.  It's a win, win situation. 

The King of Diseases and the Disease of Kings

I thought that gout went the way of Hippocrates, eunuchs and Henry VIII but apparently not.  Anonymous Colleague came limping into work today.  Figuring it was the whole eight hours he spent wearing his plastic dress shoes at work yesterday before changing into sneakers to walk to his car, I didn't think much of it.  Sadly, he thinks I enjoy engaging in conversation with him and decided to tell me as I was making myself a cup of coffee that he woke up with a bad case of gout.  Gout!  Apparently he gets gout about six times a year.  Thankfully this occurrence didn't happen over the weekend or he would have been in pain during his regular date night at The Sizzler's buffet with his girlfriend. 

Ignoring the surprising fact that someone who loves The Sizzler and plastic dress shoes actually has a girlfriend, is Anonymous Colleague too stupid to connect the dots?  He does regularly give me a blank Dilbert stare when attempting to talk about financials and other company business, but doesn't he know that dietary causes (including over consumption of alcohol, meat and seafood) account for about 12% of gout?  For someone who claims to suffer from it about every other month, one would think that he would stop his weekly forays to The Sizzler. 

LivingSocial - The Breathalyser Edition

In the U.S. this week, everybody seems to be buying LivingSocial deals for Whole Foods.  Conversely, in Australia, pocket breathalysers are all the rage.  Given the choice between delicious organic food for half price or two pocket breathalysers to determine just how drunk one is after a marathon sundowner session (also known as how many beers can one drink while the work bar tab is still open), I would choose the Whole Foods deal with absolutely no hesitation.  I'm currently pondering when exactly I will wake up in a country that doesn't have major alcohol issues.  After living in Qatar where the only liquor store in the country required employer sign-off and a declaration of not being Muslim for a license that entitled one to purchase a fixed value of alcoholic beverages each month and Australia, a country that is seriously full of alcoholics, I'm ready for a change.

Let’s Just Ignore that Friends are Supposed to be a Reflection of Oneself

This morning’s instant message conversation with Julz:

Me:  I can’t really be bothered to cook for myself.

Julz: Cooking is never an option unless someone else is doing it… you have to takeout dinner and then slowly work your way down to cereal.

Me:  Complementing a cereal dinner with a nice bottle or two of wine always makes me feel better about it.

Julz:  If you’re doing a white based cereal, then match it with a nice white wine.  If you’re going a more wholemeal cereal, then a red would do the trick.  Maybe a nice merlot.

Me:  I like your cereal wine pairing.  You could be a sommelier.

Julz:  Don’t forget the dessert wine; it’s a really a nice way to cap off a cereal meal.  For a good dessert wine that goes with all cereal types, try Nobel One.

Me:  Is it cane cut or moscato or something else?

Julz:  It has alcohol and is sweet.

Me:  Maybe you shouldn’t change careers quite yet.  Now I could use some wine though and it’s not even 10:00 AM.

Julz: Well, it’s 10:00 PM in New York.

Me: Thanks Julz, I like the way you think.

Julz: No probs.

Carbohydrates are the Devil

For lunch today, H graciously packed me a container of leftover ziti, tomato sauce, cannellini beans, bread crumbs and a generous grating of mozzarella cheese.  I took it to the kitchen at work to heat up and returned with the steaming container of carbohydrate goodness to my desk to eat.  My Anonymous Officemate, who I have been unable to banish despite his three strikes, looked up from his desk with huge eyes to identify the source of the intoxicating smell.  Seeing it was a hearty container full of pasta, he took the time to tell me about his severely limited carbohydrate intake since the first of the year.  I was fortunate enough to learn that since January 1^st, 2011, my properly sized, not fat officemate has:

• Eaten pasta for dinner once, as his Friday night ‘treat.’
• Not eaten any bread whatsoever.
• Eaten an eighth of a cup of bran with a large serving of nectarines, apricots and other fruit for breakfast everyday.
• Eaten a salad for lunch everyday; I big-heartedly refrained from warning him about the copious amounts of fat that might be lurking in his salad dressing.
• Eaten a baseball sized piece of protein for dinner every night and filled the rest of his plate with vegetables.

Thanks to this, he has lost two full kilos since the start of 2011, off of his already fit frame.  I refrained from pointing out that he neglected to include his alcohol intake, the amount of full fat milk he consumes in his 3+ coffees per work day, or his consumption of an entire homemade Pavlova on Australia Day from his meticulously relayed food diary.  I’m so nice, I know.  I did however tell him that I had already eaten pasta twice this week and that one of those meals was homemade baked ziti pizza with sausage.  I then proceeded to pull out my homemade chocolate chip cookie to await its last minutes before entering my mouth on my desk, in full tantalizing view of Anonymous Officemate.  I’m sorry Anonymous Officemate, I have no imaginary extraneous weight to lose and I ♥ bread, pasta and chocolate.