Platinum Rock Stars

In the fields that H and I work in, it’s not uncommon for us, our friends and our colleagues to rack up a lot of frequent flier miles.  Frequent flyer ‘status’ was absolutely not on our radar for discussion topics prior to moving to Australia.  But in Perth it’s a totally different story.  In our offices, where nearly every person is a Qantas platinum frequent flier, people flaunt their platinum luggage identification tags like they’re the next Hope Diamond.  Laptop bags are unnecessarily toted around the office so platinum status can be broadcast throughout the office common areas and elevators.  Qantas domestic lounge culinary offerings are discussed as intently as a degustation menu at a new Michelin starred restaurant.  Very angry discourse occurs on a regular basis regarding how alcohol isn’t offered in the lounge until 11:00 AM.  It’s nearly impossible for me to keep a straight face when I see and hear all of this.  Firstly, almost anything is more interesting to talk about.  Secondly, the Perth Qantas lounge is nothing special.  Lastly, everybody here has platinum status.

I had to travel up north last week with a handful of people from work and one of them very excitedly invited me to join him in the Qantas lounge for breakfast pre-flight.  I stopped by a few minutes before boarding to say hello and grab some water and was greeted by a lounge full of people in high visibility work wear and steel toed boots, many of whom were familiar to me from my office and those of our competitors.  What can I say; we all must be rock stars with our platinum status?  Especially when it’s acquired from short haul flights to exciting places like Karratha, Exmouth, Darwin, Paraburdoo, Broome and Geraldton, where the majority of passengers are wearing high visibility work wear in various degrees of filth.

While my Qantas lounge breakfast date invitation cracked me up, the icing on the cake came when an Anonymous Colleague came into the office one morning extremely disappointed.  He had gone to the airport the night before to pick up a friend and when he saw that the flight was delayed, decided to head to the Qantas lounge for a beer and burger.  Despite his platinum card, he was told that he couldn’t enter without a boarding pass.  Shocked and disappointed, he went to wait outside the lounge in mere mortal territory.  Would you ever have guessed that you can’t just pop into the lounge for free food and alcohol whenever you feel like it?  If there was unlimited Qantas lounge access, the bar there would be the most happening place in Perth.

One Bad Apple and a Naughty Nut

Australia is extraordinarily focused on defending its borders against pests and diseases found elsewhere in the world and out-of-state.  Customs exist for both interstate and inter-country travel and customs dogs abound searching not just for drugs but also for contraband food.  The last time I was in the domestic airport, I picked up one of the below customs notices:

Turns out that it's just one in a series.  At least someone has a sense of humor...

One Bad Apple and a Naughty Nut

• "Next time you travel into Western Australia, plan your trip and supplies so that all your fruit and vegies go into your tummy instead of a bin!'

When Honey's Not So Sweet

• "Next time you travel into Western Australia, please don't bring honey or, if you do so accidentally, bin it or declare it.  Please consider our healthy, busy bees- you don't want to be the person responsible for turning their buzz off."

Hear It On the Grapevine

• "Please help us in protecting Western Australia by not carrying quarantine risk material- and we'll drink a toast to you."

Don't mess around with customs; you don't want to be like one of my friends who got pulled aside in customs in Australia for not declaring the shell necklace she was wearing.  She was served with an official notice and was told that she is now on some kind of customs watch list.

Just remember to declare or beware!

Tap Twice

When H was flying cross country yesterday, he went to the restroom in the airport just prior to boarding the flight as he despises using flying port-a-potties. He told me that when he was washing his hands, he saw a condom dispenser mounted on the wall of the bathroom. He didn't really think anything of it at the time since he was not in the market for prophylactics. But a few steps out of the bathroom he got to thinking, 'who IS buying condoms at an airport?' After pondering this for a little while he actually called me to discuss the issue. This bathroom was not a public bathroom as it was after he had passed through security, so anyone using the bathroom was about to board a flight. Is the Australian Airport Authority encouraging safe rendezvous in the men's restroom ('tap' 'tap' with a wide stance in the stall)? Or perhaps they want to make sure that there aren't any children named Boeing in honor of their place of conception? Or maybe the target market for this product is gentlemen returning from the mines who are in search of some professional hourly company? Regardless of the target market, installing condom dispensers in airport bathrooms is just one more classy touch Australia brings to the party.